One Week

What I have found to be most remarkable looking back over this first week has not been what I have done

it is what I haven't done.

Don't get me wrong

I have gone to the gym 6 days during this week

I have lost 3.6 pounds during this week

I have eaten chicken breast 14 different times and way too many buffalo muffins to count.

I have hydrated my body well this week.

I have fueled my body consistently and wisely each day.

These things aren't new to me, but when in practice seldom last, but I still am glad I did them well.

What I haven't done is what I find remarkable.

These things I have never not-done before (sorry hubs! I know you hate the double negative)

This week

I didn't eat the macaroni and cheese I made for my sniffly kids when they were feeling bad.

I haven't grazed over their unfinished PB&J while cleaning up the kitchen.

I haven't once during this week eaten mindlessly.

I haven't once this week lost momentum.

I haven't once this week lost sight of my goal.

I haven't once this week lost faith that I can heal my relationship with food and find this elusive moderation I have heard so much about.

I am proud of what I have done in this first week of my journey, but I am so much more proud of what I haven't done.

Black and White

Starting any new workout or meal program is not hard for me.

Maintaining is what I struggle with.

It has always felt black and white.  

I am eating healthy and exercising or I am not.

Cheat meals/days while fun, tasty and necessary are for me frustrating 

and can quickly devolve into something binge-like.

I love RiceWorks chips.  

The Sweet Chili flavor hits that synapse in me that craves Doritos.

Yesterday was a high carb day and so I had some fruit with each of my meals

of protein and veggies.  In the afternoon the kids were snacking after 

school and I wanted my chips.

Needed my chips.

Chose to replace the fruit in my meal with a serving of my chips.

mmmm

Except then I ate three more servings nearly finishing the bag.  

Mind you the bag was nearly empty to begin with.

But still.

I went from feeling like a success in my day

Kids on the bus - check

Protein shake for breakfast - check

Laundry washed and folded - check

Work out with the hubs - check

Off to work - check

Chicken with fruit and veggies - check

Buffalo Muffins (these are amazing) with fruit and veggies - check

Home from work - whew the AC was out today

Laundry put away - check

Kids home from school - check

Yay me!

To the chip chomping yutz in the corner who can't stop herself from eating the irrationally tasty chips.

The upside is that I did stop eating them and didn't finish the bag.  

I threw the rest of the chips out to the chickens so
I wouldn't be similarly ensnared later 

(maybe my eggs in a few days will be a bit tastier too). 

And while I was able to cut this one off somewhat I have noticed a few things.

This happens more often when the hubs is not at home 

(There is no one observing and commenting on my choices)

This happens in the afternoon when the kids are snacking and relaxing 

I am hopeful that some strategies will help me.

Blogging and promising to be honest with where I am creates accountability for me.

Someone doesn't have to just be at home with me to comment on my choices now.

Oy

My children are no longer allowed to snack and relax.

Just kidding.

But relaxing for them will have to involve something else for me.

Reading to them, talking to them while I fold laundry, something...anything

to keep me out of the fridge when I don't belong there.

And finally the acknowledgement of shades of gray.

This did not ruin my day, it did not undo my workout.

It is yet another lesson in my journey and should be respected for what it is.

Oh, and don't buy the darn chips next time.

Amen.

In the Beginning

In the beginning there was a girl.

She was a bit unsure of herself.

But she knew that women were not unsure of themselves and so she put on her coat of confidence and went out into the world.

Women love themselves.

Women relish life.

Women are comfortable in their own skin.

These truths became hers and she lived them fully.

Her body changed with time, with injury, with the birth of children, with complacency.

And one day she woke up and realized that while she could still claim her truth of loving herself, relishing life and comfort with herself, they were only partially true because without them she could not be the woman she wanted to be and without them how could she raise a daughter who would love herself, relish her life and be comfortable in her own skin.

But the greater truth was that she had grown complacent.

She had grown lazy.

She no longer looked like the woman that she felt she was inside.

And she was so sick and tired of feeling that way.

And so she decided to make a change.

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I am that woman.

35 in just a few weeks.

I am overweight.

I am beautiful.

I am healthy.

I am strong.

I am also no longer content to watch 

myself soften into weakness only looking 

back to decades past remembering what

 I used to do and how I used to feel.

And so I'm sharing it with you.

My journey back to me.

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Today

I am 34 years old.

I am 5 foot 7 inches tall

I weigh 175 pounds

and today is the last day of my life that statement will be true.